liking my life vs. loving myself

It took me a long time to say this but I can finally say: I love the woman I am. And more importantly, I accept her.

Some of you reading this will doubt my words. I don’t blame you. In the last year you’ve heard me complain about my life. You’ve watched me drink far too much. You’ve read about my suicide ideation.

Why would someone who loves who they are do any of those things?

Loving the woman I am is not the same as being happy. Or loving my life. Loving and accepting myself means that I am see who I am, I am proud of her, I love her unconditionally, even when my life is falling apart.

I think of 2017 as one of the best years of my life. I look back at that year a lot and I always think “OMG I HAD THE BEST TIME THAT YEAR! I went to Cuba, Lisbon, and Brussels. I was spending all of my free time with my best friend, who I was also in love and believed him to be in love with me too. I watched him open his restaurant. I stood by my best friend while she got married. I started this blog. It was so transformational but barely painful — a rare combination.

When I think of 2017, I also think about all of the negative feedback I was getting at work. It wasn’t that I never got positive feedback it was that my bosses were insatiable and could never quite help themselves from commenting on everything from my hair to if I did/didn’t tell the group I was going to the bathroom before I did so. I was constantly working on myself and I constantly was left feeling…