how to have a healthy argument with your significant other
The COVID-19 Quarantine has been tough on everyone — single people living alone, parents homeschooling their kids while also working from home, and of course, couples.
Fighting is an evil inevitable in any relationship but a lot of couples are quarreling more than usual. And of course, they are! They are unable to get a moment away from their partners. In normal life, you’re away from our partners for most of the day. Between work, errands, social hangs, and other life obligations, you can be lucky enough to see your partner 2–3 hours before you pass out.
But alas, we are not in normal life right now. We are quarantined. You are within 10 feet of your partner at all times and we can’t escape for a moment of solitude and the frequency of fighting with your partner has probably increased (quite a bit?).
Knowing that this time is especially difficult for couples, and I will admit that I’ve chuckled at all the memes about how loud your partner is chewing, but I thought it would be helpful to share a few ways to deescalate the arguments.
1. Calm your body down
When we get angered, we can usually feel it in our bodies, i.e. faster pulse, flushed cheeks, jaw clenching. This is the body’s way of telling us that we are “in danger”. A flight or fight reaction from the cavemen days that sadly, we have not lost throughout evolution.
The first thing to take note of in an argument, especially at the beginning, is your body. Check in to see if you’re experiencing any physical symptoms of anger or anxiety. Then work to calm your body.
You can calm your body in a few ways:
Taking deep breaths: I am a big fan of box breathing, which is scientifically shown to calm your nervous system and reduce stress.
How to do box breathing:
- Close your eyes. Breathe in through your nose for four seconds (slowly).
- Hold your breath at the top and count to four. (Try not to tighten up.)
- Slowly exhale for four seconds.
- Repeat the cycle three times.
If this feels too weird to do in front of your partner mid-argument, it’s okay to excuse yourself to the bathroom and take a moment to do it.
A few other ways to calm your body:
- Writing: jot down how you are feeling at this moment, even if it’s furiously typing in your Notes app.
- Stretching: It doesn’t have to be a whole Vinyasa yoga class. But taking a few minutes to slow down and stretch your muscles will always help.
- Dancing: Silly, I know, but try it. Right now, for 10 seconds! I swear it’s an instant mood lifter.
- Singing: Again, silly but singing brings a lot of oxygen into your body, which calms you down.
Now that your body is calmed down your brain and body are no longer in the “fight or flight” mode so you’re back to you and you’re in a much better place to have a rational conversation. It’s also easier to remember some grounding principles.
It’s not you against them — it’s both of you against the argument
When we think of the word “fight” we immediately think of an enemy or opponent; to fight there has to be someone you are fighting against. But in relationships, this is a dangerous way to think of fighting or arguments with your partner.
If it’s not you versus your partner. That means there has to be a winner and a loser and that’s never healthy in a relationship.
Remember to shift your mindset — it’s you (the couple) versus the argument.
It’s not about winning. It’s about coming to a conclusion that is acceptable and reasonable for both of you. Think about you and your partner strategizing together to create a solution to the problem you are facing.
This helps both of you not to take the fight, or what is being said in the argument, personal.
It’s not about the argument — it’s how you fight
I heard a therapist say this recently and it struck me. It doesn’t matter if you and your partner are in an argument about finances, parenting, or chewing volume. No matter the seriousness or frequency of your arguments, it all comes down to how you fight.
Don’t
Don’t talk over each other. Listen to what the other person has to say. And ask open questions.
Don’t use this opportunity to bring up other issues you’re having or past conflicts. This will make your partner feel piled on. Keep to the issue at hand. If you feel like other issues relate to what you’re talking about, and it must be addressed at the moment, do so gently.
Don’t attack them or assume anything — this puts the other person in a state of defense. I know this is easier said than done, that’s why it helps to calm your body. If you’re noticing that you’re attacking/assuming or feel like you’re about to, take a moment to calm your body.
Do
Do use “I” statements. We’ve all heard this a million times since the Fourth Grade but it is key. “You” statements assume your partner’s intentions and will likely anger them. Using “I” statements, explains the impact of your partner’s actions, without assuming intent.
Do be honest about what you are feeling and ask for what you need. This won’t immediately solve the issue but it’s the only way you and your partner can come to a mutual solution.
Do try to keep it light if you can. If your partner never puts their dirty laundry in the hamper, it probably drives you nuts, and if you’re like me, it can even feel like they don’t appreciate you or your time. And those feelings are valid. But at the end of the day, it’s dirty laundry; which is minor compared to the love you feel for your partner. Find a way to express your feelings while keeping it light.
