Why it can be so hard to be body positive/neutral in this world

Ever since I did my first boudoir shoot in April 2018, I stopped hating my body. Oscillating between loving the way It looked to not caring much about how it looked.

Lately, two things have come up — unexpectedly.

1)I don’t watch what I eat or drink and my exercise has been low. Unsurprisingly, I’ve slowly but steadily gained weight. While I haven’t been too concerned with how my body looks, I have become increasingly aware of how my body no longer fits into this role. A few months ago, it was the airplane seatbelt, which, when fastened and fully extended rested tightly, yet comfortability, on my belly. Instantly, I spiraled, thinking about the embarrassment I would feel asking for an extender. Last week, it was a waterproof fanny pack I bought to wear in the ocean for my upcoming trip to Croatia. Again, it barely fit. This time, I felt frustrated.

Even before I typed that out, I was disgusted by my thoughts and privilege. Many people experience fatphobia and fatphobic products in ways that I have not. I am aware of my privilege as a size 18. I can find clothing most places, most things are designed for my size. I am only sharing my experiences and thoughts.

This isn’t meant to be commentary on how fatphobic our society is (it really, really is) and I am not claiming that I haven’t internalized these ideas — for myself or others (I do and I actively work towards shifting those mindsets). Again, this is my space to share my…