An Anxious Stream of Consciousness: My bedtime thoughts

Prologue: I wrote this stream of consciousness in November 2018. A lot of this no longer applies to my life or what I am currently anxious but I think it accurately portrays my anxiety and depression. More than that, I think it is very illustrative of what many people fear, ruminate, and believe.

Parks & Recreation is playing on my iPad mini. Season two or three. I am scrolling my Instagram feed. I look at the clock and decide it is time to go to sleep. I put down my phone and keep the Netflix playing. I turn on my side and close my eyes.

I notice that my sheets are covered in dog hair. And my irritation wakes me up. My apartment is disgusting. I clean the floors all of the time and my bed. But my dog gets hair everywhere. It’s because I need to bathe her. She also needs her nails cut. She needs to go to the groomer. Badly. I’m reminded that I have no money. I also have four laundry baskets full of dirty clothes and nothing clean to wear tomorrow but I can’t afford to do my laundry. Maybe sure, I would if I didn’t’ buy a pack of cigarettes every other day. Or drink every other day. But I’m so stressed that I have to have a release. I am consumed with stress and anxiety. My stomach is in knots all of the time. Especially in the morning. When I’m drinking coffee in the morning on an empty stomach, because food sounds gross, I start gagging. Sometimes I throw up a little bit. This could be because I have an espresso machine and not regular coffee, which makes me feel stressed because I can’t…